you'll know who you are if you ever somehow stumble across this and read it.
I won't start with the clichéd 'I just wanted to say...' because there's nothing simple about the words that want to spill out of my mouth. They can't be summarized neatly in one sentence - they hardly make any sense in my head as it is. I suppose a thank you is due to be there somewhere but I don't know if I can bring myself to mean it. Guess I'll just wing it, as I usually do.
I know how much you hate these things. These sentimental... notes, if you will. But I'm not giving this one to you. I'm not presenting you with pretty colored paper or a carefully rolled up scroll wrapped in ribbon. You can read it through to the end, or you can stop right here and close your browser, snap shut your smartphone or press the home button on your tablet computer.
Or you might have seen the title of this blog post and decided it would be a bad idea to read it. That's fine by me. These words are just as much for me as they are for you, so even if you never so much as learn of their existence or if you see them the minute after I've posted them - they're still important to me.
I suppose that's another thing you hate. How everything is so important to me. Well, you never hated it per se, I don't think, but it bothered you in the very least. I won't apologize though, since you always told me there's not point in doing so.
Do you know the song, by the way? Dear You? It's by one of the Vocaloids, KAITO I believe, but I like Clear-san's version the best. It also was a theme from Higurashi, if I'm not mistaken. I think you watched it. Pretty sure you read some of it, at least.
No, the song's lyrics don't describe how I feel. I merely thought the title was fitting for my post and it would bug me if you didn't know where I took it from.
So do you remember when I told you I'd made this for you?
Let's go through the contents, shall we...
I can't remember whether or not I told you that I'd numbered all the stars and written a memory timeline of sorts on them. Since I doubt it'll ever reach you due to the fact that I'm putting it in the bin once I've finished writing this, I'll tell you what they all said.
1. The day I met you.
I'll admit this memory's a little hazy. Back then you were just my classmate's annoying friend; I didn't know what I was in for.
2. Our first phone call.
It was awkward and you couldn't understand how I'd gotten your number; we talked about manga and Vampire Knight.
3. The first manga you lent me.
Vampire Knight Volume 1. I'll never forget the instant liking I took to the 'bad guy' and how much I teased Kaname-san.
4. The first school lunchtime we spent together.
I must be such an idiot for remembering this. Or I simply have an amazing memory. It was in the library - the first time I'd spent a whole lunch there again after months of sitting outside for those 40 minutes each day.
5. Our arguments over Fullmetal Alchemist.
Well didn't this turn out to be interesting... Who knew I'd fall in love with it and become a huge fan of Roy/Ed?
6. "Arigatou", by Kokia
I don't have much to say about this one. I recall you getting me to listen to it when we were walking home from school together; I cried. Remember?
7. That first picture you drew of me you gave me.
It was in a cutesy K-ON! style, I believe. I took the laminated sheet off my wall when we had to repaint the house, but it's in my personal art folder now.
8. The day you told me about your first crush.
That was cute. You were so... tsundere about it. Couldn't think of a more fitting word. You can deny it, that's just my opinion.
9. "Best Friend", by Kiroro.
Do you remember when we chose theme songs for everyone? And you picked Only Human by K and Bad Apple by Touhou Project for me and I chose Communication Breakdance by Super Butter Dog (I couldn't then and still can't get over that name...) and Onegai Sweetheart by Fukuhara Kaori for you after I elected Best Friend by Kiroro as our theme song? You 'aww'ed when you searched the lyrics.
10. The first time you told me about Hetalia.
I hated it - then grew to love it. Déja vu FMA, anyone?
11. Our first comic-con together.
"Look guys, Amy found a leek!" Still my favorite moment, I think.
12. Our first midnight phone call.
Oh my, how those escalated, hmm.
13. The day I told you (confirmed, more like) Edgeworth's identity.
I was petrified. I nearly cried I was so worried about what your reaction would be. I was shocked at how normal you were about it.
14. The first time you comforted me over Edgeworth.
I was crying my eyes out... What's new?
15. The time I confessed.
I was as red as a tomato...
16. The first time you kissed my cheek.
Forget tomato, think more along the lines of Grell. Chainsaw included.
Heh, this was all so long ago wasn't it? There's far more I could have, and wanted to, include but making stars gets boring and repetitive after a while. A short while, at that. I'm surprised I stuck through to sixteen.
We had our moments, good and bad. I made stars for the good, but what about the bad?
The times I was rude and cold and pushed you away, the times I forced you to listen to my whinging for endless hours, the times I played 'hard to get' just because I could, the times we had petty arguments that ended with us not talking properly to each other? The times you made me worry, the times I insulted the things you cared about and held dear to you?
The times you snapped at me and I overreacted more than I should have, the times I disagreed with the things you said - even though you were right, the times I got angry with you when I had no right to?
There are so many more, both happy and sad, but what good would it do to name them all?
I was happy a lot during the course of our friendship, I like to think - but it was never perfect. No matter how much I wanted to believe it was, I would be an utter fool to call it that. No matter how happy I was, it seems to me now that there was always something slightly off though that feels more like me looking back in hindsight than an actual memory.
If there's anything I can say I've learnt, it's that nothing is ever perfect. I guess that's a stupid thing to have discovered through two and a half years of... something, but it's important to me.
Here's an odd thing, though. I thought I was devastated. When I got home on the 21st of March I was crying and shaking and in disbelief. But... In the days that followed, I was happier. I got more work done. I became more motivated both at home and in school. I felt... Free? Is that the right word? I don't know what to call it, but it was... Better.
We no longer argued, you weren't constantly annoyed by my presence and I wasn't irritated by your little mannerisms that usually wound me up. We weren't really talking any longer - yet it hurt a whole lot less than I expected it to.
You appeared happier, too, from the times I saw you around. I don't know if that's true or not, but if it is then I'm only happy for you. My words from all that time ago still stand true - if you ever need me, I'm here. But I doubt you do and that you ever again will; I'm alright with that.
Once upon a time I would have signed off here with a long-winded apology and an emotional 'thank you for everything' but... I've learnt 'sorry's don't mean anything at all and 'thank you's are just words; words without actions are meaningless.
There, that's another thing you've taught me, you know.
Ah well. It was a good run and I believe it was worth it. I hope you do, too.
xo
A
PS~ Photo snapshots are my own and edited roughly. Sorry about that.
I won't start with the clichéd 'I just wanted to say...' because there's nothing simple about the words that want to spill out of my mouth. They can't be summarized neatly in one sentence - they hardly make any sense in my head as it is. I suppose a thank you is due to be there somewhere but I don't know if I can bring myself to mean it. Guess I'll just wing it, as I usually do.
I know how much you hate these things. These sentimental... notes, if you will. But I'm not giving this one to you. I'm not presenting you with pretty colored paper or a carefully rolled up scroll wrapped in ribbon. You can read it through to the end, or you can stop right here and close your browser, snap shut your smartphone or press the home button on your tablet computer.
Or you might have seen the title of this blog post and decided it would be a bad idea to read it. That's fine by me. These words are just as much for me as they are for you, so even if you never so much as learn of their existence or if you see them the minute after I've posted them - they're still important to me.
I suppose that's another thing you hate. How everything is so important to me. Well, you never hated it per se, I don't think, but it bothered you in the very least. I won't apologize though, since you always told me there's not point in doing so.
Do you know the song, by the way? Dear You? It's by one of the Vocaloids, KAITO I believe, but I like Clear-san's version the best. It also was a theme from Higurashi, if I'm not mistaken. I think you watched it. Pretty sure you read some of it, at least.
No, the song's lyrics don't describe how I feel. I merely thought the title was fitting for my post and it would bug me if you didn't know where I took it from.
So do you remember when I told you I'd made this for you?
 |
| The brightness on this photo is awful... Oops. That's a well, by the way. |
Let's go through the contents, shall we...
 |
| Stars, lots and lots of stars. Well alright, only 16 of them, but still. |
I can't remember whether or not I told you that I'd numbered all the stars and written a memory timeline of sorts on them. Since I doubt it'll ever reach you due to the fact that I'm putting it in the bin once I've finished writing this, I'll tell you what they all said.
1. The day I met you.
I'll admit this memory's a little hazy. Back then you were just my classmate's annoying friend; I didn't know what I was in for.
2. Our first phone call.
It was awkward and you couldn't understand how I'd gotten your number; we talked about manga and Vampire Knight.
3. The first manga you lent me.
Vampire Knight Volume 1. I'll never forget the instant liking I took to the 'bad guy' and how much I teased Kaname-san.
4. The first school lunchtime we spent together.
I must be such an idiot for remembering this. Or I simply have an amazing memory. It was in the library - the first time I'd spent a whole lunch there again after months of sitting outside for those 40 minutes each day.
5. Our arguments over Fullmetal Alchemist.
Well didn't this turn out to be interesting... Who knew I'd fall in love with it and become a huge fan of Roy/Ed?
6. "Arigatou", by Kokia
I don't have much to say about this one. I recall you getting me to listen to it when we were walking home from school together; I cried. Remember?
7. That first picture you drew of me you gave me.
It was in a cutesy K-ON! style, I believe. I took the laminated sheet off my wall when we had to repaint the house, but it's in my personal art folder now.
8. The day you told me about your first crush.
That was cute. You were so... tsundere about it. Couldn't think of a more fitting word. You can deny it, that's just my opinion.
9. "Best Friend", by Kiroro.
Do you remember when we chose theme songs for everyone? And you picked Only Human by K and Bad Apple by Touhou Project for me and I chose Communication Breakdance by Super Butter Dog (I couldn't then and still can't get over that name...) and Onegai Sweetheart by Fukuhara Kaori for you after I elected Best Friend by Kiroro as our theme song? You 'aww'ed when you searched the lyrics.
10. The first time you told me about Hetalia.
I hated it - then grew to love it. Déja vu FMA, anyone?
11. Our first comic-con together.
"Look guys, Amy found a leek!" Still my favorite moment, I think.
12. Our first midnight phone call.
Oh my, how those escalated, hmm.
13. The day I told you (confirmed, more like) Edgeworth's identity.
I was petrified. I nearly cried I was so worried about what your reaction would be. I was shocked at how normal you were about it.
14. The first time you comforted me over Edgeworth.
I was crying my eyes out... What's new?
15. The time I confessed.
I was as red as a tomato...
16. The first time you kissed my cheek.
Forget tomato, think more along the lines of Grell. Chainsaw included.
Heh, this was all so long ago wasn't it? There's far more I could have, and wanted to, include but making stars gets boring and repetitive after a while. A short while, at that. I'm surprised I stuck through to sixteen.
We had our moments, good and bad. I made stars for the good, but what about the bad?
The times I was rude and cold and pushed you away, the times I forced you to listen to my whinging for endless hours, the times I played 'hard to get' just because I could, the times we had petty arguments that ended with us not talking properly to each other? The times you made me worry, the times I insulted the things you cared about and held dear to you?
The times you snapped at me and I overreacted more than I should have, the times I disagreed with the things you said - even though you were right, the times I got angry with you when I had no right to?
There are so many more, both happy and sad, but what good would it do to name them all?
I was happy a lot during the course of our friendship, I like to think - but it was never perfect. No matter how much I wanted to believe it was, I would be an utter fool to call it that. No matter how happy I was, it seems to me now that there was always something slightly off though that feels more like me looking back in hindsight than an actual memory.
If there's anything I can say I've learnt, it's that nothing is ever perfect. I guess that's a stupid thing to have discovered through two and a half years of... something, but it's important to me.
Here's an odd thing, though. I thought I was devastated. When I got home on the 21st of March I was crying and shaking and in disbelief. But... In the days that followed, I was happier. I got more work done. I became more motivated both at home and in school. I felt... Free? Is that the right word? I don't know what to call it, but it was... Better.
We no longer argued, you weren't constantly annoyed by my presence and I wasn't irritated by your little mannerisms that usually wound me up. We weren't really talking any longer - yet it hurt a whole lot less than I expected it to.
You appeared happier, too, from the times I saw you around. I don't know if that's true or not, but if it is then I'm only happy for you. My words from all that time ago still stand true - if you ever need me, I'm here. But I doubt you do and that you ever again will; I'm alright with that.
Once upon a time I would have signed off here with a long-winded apology and an emotional 'thank you for everything' but... I've learnt 'sorry's don't mean anything at all and 'thank you's are just words; words without actions are meaningless.
There, that's another thing you've taught me, you know.
Ah well. It was a good run and I believe it was worth it. I hope you do, too.
xo
A
PS~ Photo snapshots are my own and edited roughly. Sorry about that.
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